fate

i really truly believe everything happens for a reason.

i look at the past 12 months of my life, and i just know it!!

so at first i was at baylor, having a decently good time, but always homesick.

last summer i had a huge gut feeling that i should be closer to home. at the same time, i didn't want to start all over again, and i still wanted to give baylor another shot. but i just wanted to be close to my mommy...yeah i'm a loser.

so i made the EXTREMELY difficult decision of transferring. i had to tell my best friends that i was leaving them. it was so hard. i didn't know anyone at my new school except 2 guys that went to my high school. i was soooo nervous. the first few weeks were SO HARD. i wanted to leave and go back to baylor. i wanted what i was used to. but eventually i got used to my new life, and i really began to appreciate it.

well last november, i had a huge family emergency. my little brother was in a terrible, life threatening accident. i got the phone call and broke down crying. good news with that situation was that i was able to drive home in the middle of the night to go to the hospital to see him. also given that there is no attendance policy at my new school, i got to skip the entire week following the accident.

that was when my decision came full circle. i knew i made the right decision. i was there for my family, and that was what mattered to me. i'd lay down my life for my family. they are so important to me.

then i returned for second semester and was having a tough winter. my boyfriend was going through pledging and didn't have much time to talk. then my grandma started not to do as well, but she was still doing fine and living on her own. the last time i saw her completely healthy was the end of march...a week later, she ended up going to the hospital. 

we found out she had non-hodgkins lymphoma, a cancer of the immune system. which is basically unbeatable at her age. she tried the treatment, only to have her body reject it after 10 minutes...not good at all. after that, she moved back home.

i remember i came home the day she came to st louis to help my mom take care of her. watching her frail body try to get out the car could bring me to tears. mom had to carry her into bed and tuck her in. we tried to make it as cozy as possible. she slept and slept and slept. mom and i just sat in the room to watch her. it became apparent to us very quickly that grandma could not function on her own. a few days later, grandma was rushed to st johns hospital in the middle of the night. they were able to stabilize her, but she stayed there for a few weeks. i came home every single weekend to stay by her side. we watched the news...that's when swine flu became talk of the town, cardinals games and whatever else. more importantly, we just talked and sat together. i took care of her as much as i could. she loved for me to clean her dentures....a thing i actually miss. she LOVED when i would do her hair for her, pulling back her soft gray hair. one day with little braids, the next with a bobby pin, next a pony tail. grandma always looked so adorable, even in a hospital gown. after a few weeks of hospitals and IVs and gowns and beeping machines, grandma got to move to the skilled nursing home.

this place was really good for grandma. she was there the remainder of her time on this earth. she had her own little room with a TV, a calendar, lamps, chairs and a beautiful view of the green grass outside. around grandma's birthday, she got all kinds of fun cards from people and we put them all over the room so she was reminded of how DEEPLY she was loved. grandma was doing hours of physical therapy a day and started to really improve her ability to walk. she was losing hearing, but seemed to be improving in so many areas. she was in her wheelchair a lot, but she could get herself to the bathroom. she dominated that walker, and i couldn't have been more proud of her. 

she and i enjoyed lots of fun times there. when it was nice, i would wheel her outside the garden/terrace area and she and i would just feel the sun and breeze and enjoy the beautiful flowers. we had conversations about everything, like we always did. she and i never had a problem talking about anything. we would eat together, she would help me study, we would snuggle. it was more than i could ask for. 

i will never forget the one night when mom brought grandma this pasta house chicken that she LOVED! oh my gosh, you would've thought we hadn't fed her in years with how quickly she ate it. all the signs looked so good to me with grandma's health. she was eating more, doing more, talking more, it was fabulous. 

we also knew that this cancer would eventually get her, but we didn't want her to give up hope. and she never did. 

may 30, we moved her to sunrise nursing home, a really nice place where grandma would spend her final days. on my birthday, june 1, that monday, i got to have lunch with my grandma and parents, what a perfect last treat for me.

i will never forget walking into sunrise and my family was sitting in the patio and all sang to me when i walked in. grandma was in her wheelchair just sitting there smiling so big! oh man, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. she looked so pretty. she was wearing a pink jacket and she had gotten her hair done, it was pulled off her face and showed her beauty. she just seemed so happy and i was so glad to be with her. we sat on the porch awhile and all talked about the pool party i had the day before. all i remember is something about cinder blocks....ha. then we moved to the dining room for lunch...grandma had already eaten but i had french toast...pretty tasty. we just sat there and talked and loved on one another. after lunch, we went back to her room and grandma gave me a card....the last one she would ever give me. she always sent cards, that was her thing. little notes and newspaper clippings. so cute. after that, i left.

i had been working a lot and going to school so i didn't have as much time with grandma as i had wished, and i seriously regret not pausing and taking more time with her. everything seems so trivial now. 

that thursday, june 4, i got a call at work and rushed right away to sunrise. grandma only had a couple of hours to live...a couple days tops. when i walked in her room, she was screaming in pain, crying out for god. she just wanted to go home to heaven so badly. her earthly body was crumbling. her quick deterioration in health came from nowhere. the hospice guy jason said that it happens that way sometimes. she had been losing blood and fluids and not replenishing. they told us her body was starting to shut down. mom had to go home and shower, so i just laid next to grandma as she slept. she had been given a lot of medicine to calm her down and ease her pain. i held her hand and slept right next to her. she knew i was there. at this point, grandma was still talking and very aware of what was going on. all the kids came by and said their goodbyes with grandma. it was a really sad time. we also had a pastor come and talk to her, which she loved. aunt kathy came later in the night and we all slept in the room with grandma. 

i talked to my cousin who decided to take a plane out the next morning to make it back to st. louis. the next morning, grandma woke up at 7 in pain. we had to get her more meds. after that she felt better. i asked her if she wanted food, and she said, "i'll eat whenever everyone else eats." thats just so typical of grandma. so we told her we would eat with her, and she actually had some bites of oatmeal...her last meal. after that, i went to pick up erin at the airport. we went back and just sat with grandma. we were all by grandma's side the entire morning. then the hospice chaplain showed up and she was great. she helped me through a lot, sensing my closeness with grandma. then grandma started talking a little bit and i just kept sitting there, biting back tears, telling her how much i love her and how amazing she was. that she was the best grandma a girl could ever ask for, how she was my role model and how she influenced my life in such a HUGE way. she kept telling me, "you're so wonder(ful)" not being able to make out all the words. she looked in my eyes and kept telling me she loved me. it was a truly lovely exchange. one i will never forget. i cannot forget that little voice saying you are so wonder....it is etched in my memory forever. grandma started to fade after that, not many more words were spoken. her eyes became smaller and she started to slip, curling into the fetal position, like a child, a heavenly child waiting to go home to their savior. 

her little brother wayne showed up later that night, and we all sang hymns around grandma. we went to grab food, and when we came back, we could tell it was getting closer. i sat there with grandma, just me and her for awhile. i went through every memory i could possibly think of. she wasn't responding, but i knew she could hear me. i just talked and talked about all the amazing things we had done together, the memories that would never leave me. 

then her breathing started to slow and we knew it would be soon. we all sat around her. i started reading bible verses out loud, which brought us all comfort as well as grandma. we kept telling her that she could let go, that we would take care of each other, that she could go home to heaven, that she would NEVER EVER be forgotten. i told grandma, "it's okay, you can let go. stop fighting." and she turned up to us and said "nu uh." she just didn't want to quit, always so strong and brave and a survivor. we told her not to be afraid, to go up to heaven and run into the arms of jesus so he could tell her "well done my good and faithful servant." after an hour of reading scripture nonstop, we just sat there quietly with her. i laid down on the bed next to her, curling into my grandmother, holding her hand and whispering into her ear "i love you i love you" eventually her breathing got very slow, her pulse slowed down, and her heart stopped. i remember putting my hand on heart and saying "i can't find the beat. it's gone." and screaming and crying. i felt her pulse, and it was slowly going. then she took her last breath, and like that, she was gone. 

watching that, laying next to her side, there is nothing in this world that could ever be more difficult than letting my grandma pass from this world to the next. i just laid by her and hugged her and told her i loved her, even though i knew she was gone. i couldn't stop crying, i could barely breathe. the world felt still. and i was so sad. a deep, profound, heart wrenching, stomach curling sadness. i couldn't move, breathe, stop. my mom called pete and he came and i just ran into his arms and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. i was so sad. i had no idea what to do except cry. 

but in that moment where i was so deeply saddened, i realized that he was crying. that gesture meant more to me than anything he could have ever said. it was so touching, moving and amazing. he just held me in his arms outside on that bench while i broke down. i was curled up and he comforted me. 

i couldn't go back in. i didn't want to see it. i didn't want to BELIEVE IT! i couldn't function. i slept horribly and woke up the next morning, and i realized it really had happened. she was gone. 

saturday, the day of my cousin's wedding and my friend's debutante party, i was not myself. i couldn't function. all i did was cry and sleep. it was quite the juxtaposition, the beginning of a couple's life together, but the realization that another life is gone. i just couldn't believe it. my friends were so supportive. 

the next week was a blur. sunday we left for bloomington to make funeral arrangements. i wrote the obituary and made a dvd. monday, visitation. tuesday, funeral. peter came to the funeral...i am so lucky. wednesday was almost the hardest because we realized she was gone. we were sitting in her house, and she wasn't going to come back in. so erin, kathy, mom and i had a feast for grandma. we bought crab legs and pounds of butter (literally), asparagus, strawberries and choclate, twice baked potatoes....a rich man's feast. the 4 of us sat on grandma's patio and enjoyed each other's company. she would've wanted it that way. she would've been MAD that we were making such a big deal of her death, with pictures, and dvds, and a very long obit...i just couldn't cut any of it. it just wouldn't have been right. she would say CELEBRATE CELEBRATE for i am with MY KING in HEAVEN! 

we left saturday. we went through pictures, dishes, 81 years of life. all left behind, all left to go through. 

life hasn't gotten much easier. i have still been crying every day. i quit my job. i am back in school. i am learning to enjoy EACH AND EVERY DAY! life is too short. grandma would want me to celebrate the gift that is life. i think about her constantly. i even find myself talking to her. and yes, i tried to call her house today just to hear her voice on the answering machine, but its gone. i haven't removed her from speed dial...im not sure if i ever will.

i know that it will get easier, that missing her will become less painful. im waiting for that. i do find HUGE comfort in the fact that she was a full believer in Christianity. im not quite sure how people can go through something like this without faith. 

through this whole process, grandma actually witnessed to me. if possible, she made the belief in my convictions even stronger. she helped me realize that death is something we should not be afraid, because if we believe in the ultimate sacrifice, jesus' death on the cross for our sins, the god of the universe sending his son to die for us, then we will have eternal life in heaven. 

no doubts about where grandma is. nu uh. no way jose. she is with god right this very second.

i so deeply miss her. life just doesn't seem the same. the world is empty. and there is a piece of my heart that i don't think i will ever get back. it's just broken. 

i know this post was supposed to be about fate, but maybe its more about faith. faith that god led me correctly. that if i was still in waco, i would have missed out on these 2 HUGE events in my life. it is about faith. it's about following god's will no matter how scary....and it turned out to be the right thing. it turned out to be perfect. 

grandma helen will never ever be forgotten. she had a remarkable impact on me and my life, and not a day will go by that i will not thank her for helping to raise me and make me the woman i am. 

we never finished the movie "on golden pond" (her favorite). i'm not sure if i will ever be able to watch the whole thing from where we left off.

for now, i just keep pressing ahead. believing. faith. 

miss you grandma. love you more than you'll ever know.